I DO need this

by Fr. John Dresko

When Jesus saw him lying there, and knew that he already had been in that

condition a long time, He said to him, "Do you want to be made well?" (John 5:6, 4th Sunday of Pascha)

When I get impatient, irritated, and exasperated (which is more often than I care to admit), I throw up my arms, and I say, "You know, I really don't need this!" And when I say that, in my heart, I really believe that I am right. I feel justified. I really don't need this.

We see something similar in the story of the paralytic. The paralytic is lying there, waiting for someone to help him into the water, because it was said that the first person into the water would be healed. Jesus comes to him, sees his plight and speaks to him. And it is very easy to imagine him looking up at Jesus and saying, "You know, I really don't need this!"

Equally, however, we can also imagine Jesus looking at this paralytic and saying, "Of course you need this. You have been paralyzed just for this moment. You have been lying there for 38 years just so I could cross your path. Your paralysis is now to the glory of God."

We can still imagine the paralytic saying to Jesus, however, "That's great. But I still really don't need this. And if I am really here just for this moment, why couldn't the moment have been shortly after I was paralyzed, instead of 38 years later?"

But the point, of course, is that whether it is good or bad, something we like or dislike, something we are patient with or impatient with, something of long or short duration ­ if God allows it in our life, we need it. Generally speaking, when we feel like we don't need something, it is something petty or stupid. And we should think of this story and "hear" God's words: "Yes, you do need it. You need it even though it is petty and stupid because you haven't shown you can handle petty and stupid yet! You don't have patience. You don't have love. You don't have strength." Therefore, in His wisdom, God gives us a chance to exercise those things. The only way to develop muscles is to exercise them. The only way to develop virtues is to practice them.

But then we hear the question of the Lord to the paralytic: "Do you want to be made well?" He replies that there is no one who will lower him into the water. This is seen in our own lives by the fact that prideful sin is always followed by a temptation: it is someone else's fault. As I justify my behavior, I blame others. The paralytic has no one to carry him into the water. Adam and Eve started this trend. When they did sin, and God asks Adam if he ate the fruit, Adam points at Eve and says, "The woman whom You gave to be with me, she gave me fruit of the tree, and I ate."

How often we blame others when we "don't need this." "If I only had a spouse who understood me. If I only had a father who wasn't an alcoholic. If Father would only be a little more compassionate. If the services were just a little shorter. If the choir sang better music. If Mrs. Smith would not parade into church every Sunday while living a perfectly sinful life during the week...and on and on and on..." If only...if only...if only...then I could do better. We put the blame everywhere but where it belongs. On our own door step.

But finally, we see that Jesus does heal the paralytic. How does He do it? Does He pick him up and lower him into the water? No. He looks at him and says, "Rise, take up your bed and walk." He "says" to the paralytic, "If you really want to walk, you have to do it. I'm here with you; I'll give you the power to do it; but you have to choose to use the power."

So as with the paralytic, if I want to be healed of my paralysis I cannot blame others. I can only realize that in my encounter with the risen Lord, I have been given another chance to walk. If I don't have patience, I can. If I don't have love, I can. If I don't have kindness, I can. If I don't know how to forgive, I can. If I don't know how to be generous, I can. But the Lord cannot be patient for me. He cannot love for me. He cannot be kind for me. He cannot forgive for me. He cannot be generous for me. He can give us the power to do it. I have to do it, with His grace, by the power of His resurrected Life.

Our task as Orthodox Christians is not to say "I really don't need this." Our task is to recognize everything as a gift from God and then say, "what do I do with this?" The only way to truly answer that question is to look at the Lord. And He will say to each of us, "Do you want to be made well? Do you really and truly want to walk again in My light?" And if we say "yes," then the Lord will look at each and everyone of us and say, "Then rise, take up your bed, and walk!"